A Depressed Motivational Speaker
I have learned something rather unique about myself.
I was diagnosed some eighteen years ago with clinical depression. Like many women with a parent who is clinically depressed, my predisposition to the illness increased greatly. It has taken my latest relapse into depression for me to make this discovery mind you, but then; I suppose that is one of those strange backhanded gifts this illness gives from time to time. The gift of discovery.
You see, I have been working very hard for the past eight years establishing myself in my field that I didn't pay too much attention to that pesky depression. I took my medication, it worked, boom, I just carried on like so many others. I made contacts, I earned a reputation with clients and I helped the people I set out to help. All this, while managing the specter of sadness that I knew could leak into me and render me dysfunctional at anytime. Like I said, I didn't think about it much.
Did I mention that my chosen career is a..motivational speaker? No, seriously. I might add that I did not choose this career with any irony intended; it's just that I have always loved speaking and helping people. What a perfect job for me. I now realize (it takes me awhile sometimes) what a perfect dichotomy this is.
The Depressed Motivational Speaker.
Is that right? Can there be such a thing? I guess so since this is how I have been making my living for the past several years. Primarily, I speak on communication skills. I teach people how to open up, ask for what they need, polish their conflict resolution skills, take change in stride and assert themselves. All of these things that can be so difficult for the depressed individual, yet here I was, standing at the podium, my voice booming out to the audience that all of this was possible.
I believe that it is. I believe every word that comes out of my mouth. I just now understand why some days it was harder to get those words out of my mouth. Depression for me isn't always obvious. There have been many, many days over the past few years that I would say, I just feel "off". Not quite up to snuff. But the show must go on. I do what I must to feel energized and away we go. Depression can be insidious when it isn't being obvious.
I suppose that's how I've been able to do my job well and gain some success. I just, like so many before me (and after), plug along because really, there is no choice. With depression, especially chronic, one must decide..live or die. I must LIVE. I must share my gifts with others. I must be present to share in the gifts of others. I must parent my son. I must be a participating wife to my husband. I must acknowledge the problems of others in the world and try to be part of the greater solution.
The fact that I have a sometimes-debilitating disease, does not, in my mind, excuse me from doing everything in my power to live to the fullest. It is my responsibility to take care of myself for my sake and the sake of those who love and respect me.
It is my responsibility to be prepared for my job and give all I have to the audiences that choose to come and hear my message of the day. I have something to teach and share and it is my responsibility, no one else's, to come through.
That is why, as I am coming back into the light from a fairly dark relapse, I wish to do something productive with what I have learned. If I can still get on with life, I want to help others strategize a way to do the same. If an individual is willing to take care, to listen to the experts, to do what is best, then the rest is attitude. I want to help with that.
SPEAK UP - Balancing Depression and Motivation is a workshop I have developed that helps those suffering, have suffered or may suffer in future with clinical depression. They have their illness in hand, but they want to make plans to move forward. The workshop assists with first acknowledging that depression is not a dirty word, then we move into positively dealing with it in the everyday. Goal-setting, communications skills, assertiveness training and confidence building all play a part in getting a person ready to face the world. SPEAK UP - Balancing Depression and Motivation - the book is currently in production and will be published Fall 2004
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