Gabriella's Story
The Toughest Years of My Life and I’m Only 14
I am writing this story to help other kids my age understand what it feels like to be depressed. I want them to know what sorts of things can cause depression. I
suffered from depression when I was twelve years old and I think it was caused by a build-up of events that happened over a long period of time.
When I was five years old my dad fell and had a serious head injury. That’s when things changed in our family. My dad was very sick and it got worse over the years. My dad was constantly in and out of hospitals for various reasons. He got to be so sick that he could no longer do things that other dads could do. He lost his sight when he fell and soon after he had problems with the muscles in his legs that caused him to fall without any warning. Not long after that, he got cancer and had to go to the hospital for radiation every day for five weeks. He also had clogged arteries from his diabetes and had to have a quadruple bypass.
There were many things I never got to do with my dad. I can remember always going to the hospital with my mom and hoping that he would be okay. It was so hard never knowing if my dad was going to pull through or not.
He had been diabetic since he was thirteen months old and after the fall he had problems keeping his blood sugar at the right level. When it got low, he would act strange. He wouldn’t know what was going on and didn’t know where he was. Sometimes he would yell at me for no reason and I didn’t understand why. My mom explained that he didn’t know what he was doing when his blood sugar level was low, but for a long time I was afraid to be alone with my dad.
There was a lot of damage done to his brain when he fell. If he didn’t take medication he would have seizures. One day my dad got really upset. He was yelling and talking about killing himself – walking around the living room throwing his arms into the air. My mom begged him to stop because he was really scaring us. My family was under a lot of stress and eventually my mom couldn’t handle it. So when I was twelve my parents parted ways. My relatives on my dad’s side of the family didn’t support my mom’s decision and, unfortunately, they were really cruel to my mom. Things got really bad and for about a year I wasn’t allowed to see that side of the family. I think if everyone had understood that she was suffering from depression, they would have acted differently and perhaps tried to help my mom.
Finally I could see my father’s family again but they still weren’t very nice towards my mom. My dad’s health was still very poor. One night, things got really bad and my dad was bleeding inside; he had a blood disorder the doctors were never able to diagnose. We got used to my dad always going to the hospital and he always came out fine. But that night, my mom and I both had a very bad feeling. We tried to contact my dad but weren’t able to get a hold of him. I had a very disturbing dream when I fell asleep. I saw myself at a funeral crying, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. When I woke up the next morning I remember just seeing my mom looking at me and crying. My dad had passed away during the night. I was 12 years old.
For the next three or four days I didn’t know what to think or how to react, and I wouldn’t let myself believe that he was really gone. The school had informed my class about the situation. My friends took the news pretty hard and they all came to the funeral looking completely shocked. I still wasn’t letting myself believe it and after about three days I went back to school. That incident brought my whole class so close together – they were all there for me. My friends would tell me how strong I was, but, if you ask me, I was afraid. I didn’t let anyone see me cry. I kept all of my emotions bottled up inside me. That wasn’t good because it’s twice as hard when you hold it all in. This kind of stress is something that can cause depression, but I didn’t know it at that time.
My grades were starting to drop and, because I was in a class of thirty-six students, I couldn’t get the extra help I needed. So my mom enrolled me in a new school for the eighth grade. That made me angry. It hurt because it was my last year and I wouldn’t be with my friends after so much had just happened. It was also my graduation year. That's when my depression really got bad.
None of the kids at the new school would have anything to do with me. Whenever I tried to talk to them they would just walk away and ignore me. There was, however, one girl who was nice to me but she was the social “outcast.” As long as I hung out with this girl, no one would talk to me. I wasn’t sure what to do and felt so desperate to fit in that I tried to avoid her. It was a stupid decision because I didn’t want friends like that. I started to feel so upset that I would constantly have thoughts of suicide.
Soon I noticed that I couldn’t stay awake during classes anymore and once I got home from school I would lie on the couch and fall asleep instantly – I had no energy left in me. It was extremely hard to wake up in the mornings and I was very angry and frustrated. I found myself sleeping in class. I couldn’t finish any of my homework and I didn’t want to call any of my friends anymore. I felt that everyone hated me. I didn’t see the point of living anymore.
Because of this I ended up missing almost two months of school. My mom and I started to fight all the time. We both lost our temper very easily and we yelled a lot and said things that we didn’t really mean. Then my mom arranged for me to see a psychiatrist. That’s when I found out that I was depressed and I was prescribed an antidepressant. My mom also felt I needed to go back to my old school where all of my closest friends were.
I definitely agreed with her but we now lived out of the school district and the principal from my old school refused to let me back in. I finally did get back into the school but my mom had to call the school trustee, the superintendent of the school board, our priest since it was a Catholic school and finally my psychiatrist, who wrote a letter to the principal. All of my friends were so happy to see me back at the school and they made me feel very comfortable. It made such a difference being able to spend the rest of my year with my friends. I continue to see my psychiatrist and take the antidepressant and I feel better than ever. My marks have increased a lot too. To me, life is worth living because there is just so much that I’d still love to experience. The good thing is that this has helped me see how precious life really is. We should never take our lives for granted.
It’s very difficult when you’re depressed to see the good in your life. I hope my story helps other teens to understand that it is important to let your emotions out.
If you feel really bad and you’re afraid to speak to your friends or family about it you should know that a psychiatrist or psychologist can really help. Medication can be very helpful, but you must speak to your doctor to get the help you need. Lots of people experience depression and it can be a very serious illness, but there will always be another day – and that day just might be a better one.
Gabriella is now 17 years old and in grade 12 and doing quite well in her last year of high school. Most of her free time is spent sharing conversations with her many friends over the internet as well as going to movies, dance classes and participating in the school band. She also volunteers her time to co-facilitate a group of children at Bereaved Families of Peel. Her smiles outnumber her frowns and good days outnumber the difficult ones.
