My Dark Night of the Soul

Descent into hell' is the phrase that best describes what was happening to me in the summer of 1999. It began as I was driving down the Don Valley Parkway with my family. We were returning from a fabulous vacation to our new residence in Toronto. I turned to my husband and asked why, all of a sudden, I was feeling weak and fearful. My heart was beating 200 beats per minute. I sensed a dark cloud hovering over me.

I went to bed immediately upon arriving home. When I woke up the next morning, the symptoms had subsided but new ones had emerged. I was exhausted all the time and would begin crying for no reason. It felt like there was no purpose to life. I began spiraling downward into a pit of despair. A diagnosis by my Christian doctor confirmed, without a doubt, that I was suffering from 'major depression'. It came at me from out of nowhere.

This news devastated me. Always one to help others, I had to swallow my pride and depend on others to help me through the 'black jaws' of depression. Although I looked normal to other people, I often wanted to yell: "can't you see my broken brain?" It would have been easier if I had a visible injury such as a broken arm or illness that others could identify with. But mental illness comes with a stigma. I tried to keep my condition a secret until I discovered that depression can strike anyone. I realized I wasn't alone. Depression affects one in four people.

At first I was angry with God. "How could this ever happen to me?" I cried. I had faced traumatic situations before. As a child of 10, I had become very ill during an operation. As far as the doctor was concerned, there was no hope. I would not make it through to the next day.

Little did I know, people from the church I attended were praying for me that evening. With my childlike faith I could only trust that I would open my eyes the next morning. When I miraculously recovered, the doctor was in awe. Through that experience, I learned about the power of God.

I also learned about the power of prayer, and I decided I wanted to live a fulfilled life serving God in any way I could to repay Him for His goodness to me. Having been so close to death, I valued life even more. I became an upbeat, happy, outgoing person. I was always enjoying life. Never did I think that, just around the corner, the black hole of depression was waiting for me.

As I faced the darkness that engulfed me, I wondered if I would ever glimpse the light again. I repented every day of my past sins. I even asked God to forgive me of any sins of which I might not be aware. I cried out to God in the hope that this darkness would leave me. But the darkness lingered on. Most days I stayed in bed until noon. I did not have the energy to face another day of mental pain. It felt as though I would have to live under a cloud of depression for the rest of my life. Worst of all, I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to face the pain of living every day with feelings of guilt, uselessness, low self-esteem, sadness and fear.

When my husband's stepmother visited me, I told her of my feelings. As she shared about her knowledge of depression, I realized that suicidal thoughts were only a symptom of the illness. God was not punishing me for my past sins. The suffering I was experiencing was not uncommon and did not come as a result of my being a "bad" person. This realization gave me the strength to fight my depression and seek help.

I began studying depression. Through the help of a Christian doctor, a Christian psychiatrist, Dr. Blenos Pedersen, medication and the support of family and friends (whom I call my angels), I slowly regained my health. My personal faith assured me that God had great plans for me. I didn't want to miss out on what they could be. Although I was in a dungeon of despair, I knew that if I could just reach up to the window of light, then God would show me to the land of the living. It took me nine months to climb up to that window, but I finally found purpose for my life again.

God used this time of challenge to give me a dream to fulfill. For over three years now, I have led a community support at my church for people who have difficulty with depression and anxiety. I also present seminars on this subject, sharing my story to help others overcome their own "dark night of the soul."

I learned that God can take an extremely difficult situation and use it to give hope to others. He can teach you coping skills to use to face any difficult challenges with greater ease. I thank God for these lessons. He is continuing to open doors to me to help others suffering with mental health problems.

Isaiah 40:31 says: "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I am thankful to God for healing my broken wings and making me fly again. He has allowed me to see beyond the horizon. Even in my darkest moments, I knew God had better days planned for me. He gave me the hope to hold on. By God's grace, I truly am a survivor.

Patricia McInnes is presently running a stress, anxiety and depression support group at Yorkminster Citadel, Salvation Army at 1 Lord Seaton Road Toronto. She is a member of the Mood Disorder Association of Toronto and has completed her Bachelor in Christian Counseling and has also completed her training as a crisis responder.

She presently serves as a pastor of the Salvation Army and a Police Chaplain for the Toronto Police Service.

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